Well Here We Are Again Its Always Such a Pleasure Remember When You Tried to Kill Me Twice?
by Cylon George
Wrong things happen when y'all trust, and give too much attention to, the incorrect people.
Practice you lot have toxic people in your life? Do they influence y'all in detrimental ways? Do they leave you feeling manipulated or bad almost yourself after every encounter? If so, you're probably wondering how things got to be this way. Despite your positive attitude and arroyo to life, you detect yourself unexpectedly surrounded by negativity.
It might not occur to yous that some of your strongest positive attributes may actually be attracting toxic people. These people may subconsciously feel threatened by your strengths, or they may just come across yous as an like shooting fish in a barrel target. Either manner, they will endeavour to undermine or control y'all by limiting your peace of mind, happiness or success.
Information technology's of import to understand that every character strength has what is commonly called a "shadow side." When used too liberally, our strengths can become weaknesses and likewise make us more susceptible to toxic people.
I've experienced this in my ain life. I of my character strengths is that I am extremely sincere and compassionate. Just when pushed to its limit, my sincerity and compassion tin can go people pleasing. I've realized that I sometimes quickly appease people who are pushy or rude just so they will similar me. By doing so, I inadvertently let these people to enter my life and discipline me to their toxic behavior.
I eventually learned to notice my boundaries and say no, without losing myself in the process. I became aware of how people may endeavor to use my character strengths to their advantage. This awareness has helped me ward off many toxic relationships.
The key is not to suppress your positive graphic symbol strengths, only to educate yourself so toxic people can't apply them against you. If you feel like these people are drawn to y'all, hither are vii surprising reasons why this may be happening, and some actionable tips to assist y'all address it:
one. You lot are a bang-up listener.
Let's face it. With technological distractions stealing our attention all the time, great listeners are frequently hard to discover. When yous find one, it's hard not to take reward of the rare opportunity to be heard.
Toxic people, nonetheless, take things to the next level. They'll talk to you lot for hours when they tin can get away with it. They'll ignore every trunk language and exact cue you throw at them. They'll share unsolicited, negative details well-nigh their life every time they run into yous. And they're certainly not interested in what you have to say — because they're simply interested in seeing and hearing things their way.
If you're great at active or empathetic listening, you may notice yourself unwittingly becoming the target of a conversational bully or narcissist.
The ready:
When inbound into a conversation, determine how much time you can, or wish to, spend with the other person. Limit your conversations with toxic people to no more than a few minutes.
Think alee of fourth dimension about some exit lines yous tin utilise when the time is up or when a lull in the conversation develops. Here are a few examples: "It was bang-up catching upwards with you lot…" or, "I'll talk to you once more soon, but right now I must…" or, "I've got to get back to work."
The key to deploying this strategy well is to not ship mixed messages. Allow your body language and your words match. Of course, this will experience harsh and awkward sometimes, but information technology's a necessity for your own well being.
two. You are incredibly generous with your time.
Well-nigh people would agree that being generous is a desirable character trait. Simply beware; toxic people can be fatigued to overly generous people.
They will cling to you lot if you're willing to drop everything for them, answer all their calls, reply promptly to their emails, and fulfill their requests and demands every minute of the day.
As they consolidate their power by enervating more and more of your precious time, you may find yourself condign increasingly resentful.
The gear up:
Generosity without boundaries is a recipe for toxic relationships. To establish good for you and reasonable boundaries, start by becoming aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when yous're resentful of fulfilling someone else's needs. Gradually build boundaries past saying no to gratuitous requests that are likely to cause resentfulness in yous.
Once again, this will be hard at first because information technology will feel selfish. But if you've ever flown on a plane, yous know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their ain oxygen masks before disposed to others, even their ain children. Why? Because you lot cannot assistance others if you lot're incapacitated.
In the long-term, establishing and enforcing boundaries will be one of the well-nigh charitable things you tin can exercise for yourself and those you care near. They volition preserve the best of you lot then y'all can share yourself with many wonderful people – not just the toxic ones who try to go on you tied up.
3. Y'all're open up, honest and trusting with your dreams.
Sadly, many people opt to settle in life. So if you're striving for big dreams and goals, yous're spring to attract the attention of a toxic person or 2.
If y'all freely share your dreams and goals with them, they may view you as aggressive, greedy, unrealistic, or selfish. Driven by the fear that you might really succeed, they'll be gear up with a word of discouragement. They'll try to institute seeds of fear and doubt. And every bit you begin to make progress, they'll double down on their strategy.
The fix:
Never share your deepest dreams and goals with people who have proven themselves to be toxic or shut-minded, even if they ask you lot about them repetitively. Be especially wary of people who have lots of opinions but never challenge their own views, educate themselves, offer positive alternatives, or take action.
To counteract their negativity, surround yourself with people who are pursuing similar dreams and goals and have a rail record of success. Engage with those who lift you college. (Marc and Angel discuss this process in detail in the "Relationships" module of Getting Dorsum to Happy.)
4. Y'all're really easygoing.
Most of united states like existence effectually low-key people.
If yous're an easygoing person, you're good at keeping your cool in tough situations and putting others at ease with a comforting word or witty quip. You're as well probable not-aggressive, patient and kind.
But the inner peace you exude is bonny to the toxic person who'due south eager to disrupt the peace. They may misinterpret your apparent pacifism and conclude that you're an easy target for their controlling ways. And in your weaker moments you may find yourself proverb yep to them more than oftentimes than you might realize.
The set:
Become aware of how a toxic person may try to take reward of your low-key means. For case, your polite words and gestures may be seen as an open invitation. Phrases such as "Sure, someday y'all desire," or, "That'south no problem at all," may exist interpreted literally by a toxic person. They may reply by monopolizing your fourth dimension for their ain purposes.
Avoid the tendency to automatically commit to requests. Instead, brand your default response: "Allow me go dorsum to you on that in ten minutes." If you do say yes, be certain non to give the impression that your offer is open-ended. (Read Toxic People.)
5. Your sunny disposition is all-inclusive.
Equally the saying goes, opposites attract. Sometimes the positive light you polish attracts people who are craving the light themselves.
As a person with a sunny disposition, you're often the i to strike upward a conversation or light up a room with your infectious smile. These qualities make you lot a pleasure to be around but may also be attractive to certainly toxic people who ultimately want to hog anybody's attention and brand the chat near "ME, ME, ME." They are typically unhappy with themselves, and therefore look to others for validation. These people deserve respect, only you lot demand to respect yourself too.
The fix:
Understand that many unhappy people are unable to find joy within themselves – and they mistakenly believe that you can make them happy. They're relatively like shooting fish in a barrel to spot because they'll become higher up and across to delight you with flattery, gifts or idealization. They'll exist overly amusing and willing to fulfill your requests or desires, as long as you requite them a "aye" to everything.
These are alarm signs that you may exist in danger of falling under the obligations of a toxic person who will somewhen look y'all to pump up their ego 24/7. But the truth is, you tin't make them happy, even if you could oblige to their every need. And you're near certain to make yourself unhappy past doing so.
If y'all notice yourself entering into a human relationship with a person like this, ask yourself: Am I spending fourth dimension with this person because they flatter me or considering I genuinely want to be in this relationship? If your reply is the onetime, don't be afraid to requite yourself some breathing room.
half dozen. You're a cracking bridge builder.
If yous're a bridge builder, you lot tin't stand seeing disagreements and disputes go unresolved. If you're i of the parties involved, you'll move heaven and earth to find a compromise or resolve the problem.
While most people would probable respond to such overtures in kind ways, certain toxic people in your life may be more interested in destroying bridges rather than building them.
The fix:
Some toxic people find their joy by creating drama and discord. Understand that some bridges are simply not worth building or maintaining. They're bridges to nowhere.
How do you resist the urge to build or maintain bridges when you know it's futile? Call up well-nigh how often you've had to work on building or repairing bridges due to a toxic person's behavior. If they're constantly requiring you to resolve disputes, retrieve about how they may be deriving pleasure at your expense. It may be a sign that you lot'll need to cut funding to this hopeless venture so y'all tin can apply your resources of fourth dimension and free energy to more positive endeavors.
May the bridges yous fire light your style.
7. Your view of man nature is super positive.
For most of us, our daily interactions with people affirm our basic assumptions that the average human being is kind and decent. But every so often, we unsuspectingly run into the darker sides of human nature in the people effectually us that may claiming these assumptions.
Do you struggle to accept the darker sides of human nature such as possessiveness, narcissism, greed, and deception? Do you hold on to friendships with such people because yous believe they will modify? Do you brush off their put downs and unkind deeds and spend lots of time with them anyway?
If so, y'all may take a relatively loftier tolerance for toxic people. You may find yourself indelible their negative and even abusive beliefs. And you really may not realize that you are in a relationship with a toxic person until the situation becomes dire.
The fix:
Human being beings are pretty good at sensing danger with their intuition – non just physical dangers but emotional dangers likewise. If you lot're in an emotionally negative or abusive situation, don't 2d-judge the discomfort you feel within. This may exist difficult because your optimism about others may drown out uncomfortable feelings such every bit anxiety, shock, acrimony, or emotional withdrawal.
When alert signs announced in the form of emotional discomfort, instead of brushing them off or ignoring them, enquire yourself these questions:
- What is causing this feeling in me when I'm with this person?
- What is this discomfort trying to protect me from?
- What positive actions can I take to relieve this discomfort?
But similar physical pain (as unpleasant as information technology is) protects you lot from farther bodily harm, emotional discomfort, when embraced, can protect you from the damaging effects of a toxic environment. (Marc and Affections discuss this in more detail in the "Relationships" chapter of ane,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Afterthoughts
The positivity and goodness you bring to the world truly are precious gifts. Protect these gifts from negative influences. Invest yourself in people and circumstances that will magnify your efforts rather than diminish them.
Even though your positive traits may inadvertently attract toxic people, do not let this stop yous from being who yous are. Just be enlightened of this reality and then you tin can better spot danger when it arises and take positive, protective measures.
Also consider that your positive gifts accept the power to indirectly transform negativity. Just as light will dispel darkness, your light can exist a shining example to those who mean well but don't realize their toxic tendencies. And even though you lot'll need to limit your exposure to them, don't underestimate the possibility that your instance may influence them for the improve, i way or the other, over the long run.
The floor is yours…
What are your experiences with toxic people? What have you lot washed to cope with their beliefs? What have y'all done to let your calorie-free shine anyway? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment beneath.
Author Bio: Cylon is a spiritual clergyman, musician, devoted husband, and busy dad of six. He blogs almost applied spiritual tips for living well at Spiritual Living For Busy People – sign upwardly and get his free guide twenty Footling Tricks To Better Your Mood Even If You Feel Like Punching Something (or Someone).
Photograph past: Kim Carrier
Source: https://www.marcandangel.com/2015/08/16/7-surprising-reasons-youre-attracting-toxic-people/
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